


Lollipops

by iluvaqt



Series: Avengers ABCs [8]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Candy, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-02
Updated: 2015-09-02
Packaged: 2018-04-18 16:08:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,321
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4712150
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iluvaqt/pseuds/iluvaqt
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nick doesn't like how informal his briefings have gotten in his absence. Since when did his agents all become guinea pigs for new candy?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lollipops

**Author's Note:**

> Total Crackfic!

Thor cracked a bemused grin. Everywhere he looked while he'd made his way to the lower levels of the building, people had a small white stick poking out of their mouths.

In the briefing room, he noticed that Maria tuned an ignorant ear to the smacking and sucking noises going on while Director Fury started to develop an eye twitch. 

“Sorry to interrupt, Commander Hill, what it the sans hell is going on around here? Everyone’s eating candy like we’ve hit Halloween early. Did I fall into an alternate dimension? Since when did it become standard procedure to suck on a lollipop?”

Natasha pulled the sucker out of her mouth. “It’s product testing, sir,” she deadpanned and returned to observing the map of the HYDRA compound Maria had up on display.

Clint fought a snicker while Steve just shifted in his chair, a hint of pink creeping up his neck.

“And what does this have to do with you, Cap?” Fury demanded, not missing the way the Captain had seemed to shrink where he sat, trying and failing to have a look of no complicity to the goings on despite being candy-free.

“Ah…sir, it wasn’t my idea but there’s no harm and...”

“What he can’t articulate is that Stark Pharmaceuticals is testing a new line of nutritional pops. We’ve done kids but since our target market group are adults, specifically females, and we needed market research.”

“So you decided to use my people?” Fury asked, his eyebrow hiking.

“Are we your people? I thought the Avengers were an independently funded group,” Stark quipped in his usual guileless way. Who he thought he was fooling was anyone’s guess. Anyone who knew him, wouldn’t buy his innocent act. Tony was about as pure as the snow in the King Penguin exhibit after feeding time. Thor wondered if there was anyone clueless enough on Midgard that would believe Tony’s feigned innocence.

“And you all volunteered?” Nick asked his voice betraying his disbelief and exasperation.

Maria’s lip twitched as she tried to suppress her humor over Fury’s reaction. She reached into her jacket pocket and set a bunch of lollipops on the table in front of him. “They’re rich in vitamin C and iron, not the mineral derived kind. Felicity said you’d probably like the raspberry flavor best since you like those raspberry ketone drops she gets for you.”

Nick glared at his XO for outing the fact that he had dietary aids to help him keep in shape. He wasn’t as young as all these newbies and his age was starting to slow him down. Not that he wanted any of them clued into that fact. He’d find a way to put the smack down on all their behinds if they tried to get cute with him about his advancing years. “Stark, test in your own time. Cap, tell your wife to expect a phone call.”

Steve reddened a shade more. Felicity hadn’t exactly told Maria why she’d brought back a suitcase of dietary gummies from her last trip to London, only that they weren’t hers. Being surrounded by people with too much curiosity and plenty of sleuthing ability, Maria seemed to have deduced their intended recipient all on her own. 

When Felicity’s latest blood test showed that she was low on iron, she bemoaned the fact that she would not remember to take her tablets at the right time and what’s more, most of the supplements available smelled terrible or were as good as horse pills and the mineralized water prompted a swift and unwanted reunion with the porcelain goddess.

On one of her regular organic produce sourcing expeditions, she came across children’s Vitamin C Pops and wondered why they couldn’t make an equivalent for iron supplements. Pepper had been interested and Felicity had taken the idea and run with it. Experimenting with all kinds of plant, spice and fruit concentrate combinations. They’d only taken a week come up with several viable options and gather a volunteer test pool. The samples passed the kid taste test with flying colors but getting adults to try a mineral supplement dressed as a lollipop had been slower off the mark, so Felicity had gone to Natasha and Maria for help. This was the result. It had met general food safety standards but for FDA approval they needed a variety of test studies to become a marketable, profitable enterprise for Stark Industries to roll it out on a large scale.

“This violates our food and beverage regulations…” Nick fumed.

“It’s not gum!” Tony interjected, having read the S.H.I.E.L.D manual. He liked to know all the rules so he could exploit any and all loopholes. 

Nick bristled. “Let me clarify it for you, Mr. Stark, there is to be no consumption of any food items or beverages during briefings, period.”

Natasha removed the lollipop with a wet swack and skillfully tossed it into the trash bin by the door.

Clint rewrapped his and put it into his jacket. Steve calmly folded his hands on the table, revealing he didn’t have anything to declare. 

Tony, defiant and resolute, crunched his candy between his teeth and then tucked the used stick in his vest pocket. 

Thor watched them all, highly amused. “Candy. I don’t believe I have partaken in such treats since I was a boy. You must allow me to have a case of these sweets,” he said studying the lollipops Fury had refused to pocket, “And I will share them with my friends upon my return to Asgard.”

Bruce chose that moment to wonder through the door, three sticks hanging out of his mouth, haphazardly stuffed dossiers tucked under one arm, while he scribbled notes on his tablet as he walked. “Sorry, I’m late,” he said, managing somehow to squash all three lollipops into one cheek so he could talk.

Fury ran a hand over his face, and nodded at Maria tiredly. “I came back for this? Banner, you were meant to be here an hour ago.”

Bruce blinked owlishly and glanced at his watch. “Ah… wow, I overslept?” he said that out loud like he didn’t quite believe it himself. He was a serial insomniac, had been for years. Partially due to the fact that if he lost control, he became a raging green monster and these guys thought it was a good idea to cart him around on a regular basis in flying tin cans. This was his first week on solid ground and he was becoming a cantankerous bastard, Tony’s words not his. Natasha had unceremoniously stuffed two lollipops in his mouth and when he’d made to take them out, the glare she’d given him, had him lowering his hand. That had been last night, obviously. This morning, he’d gone about his routine, not once checking the time, and unconsciously stuffed a few more lollipops in his mouth that he’d found on the dining table where he’d eaten breakfast which consisted of an oatmeal and date muffin. Obviously it hadn’t been so much unconscious, as his other consciousness prompting that action.

Tony smirked at him widely. “Tryptophan’s working. Let me guess, the Big Guy likes the Super Cinnamon Apple Blast?”

Bruce nodded, his eyes unusually clear and bright. Strangely enough, he was late and everyone was staring but he didn’t give a crap. He felt awesome. Who knew that something as small as a dietary boost could improve his mental and physical state. Obviously the national adult standard was far below what a man/Hulk standard needed to be. Trailing on that thought, he could hardly wait to run some tests.

“Have a seat, Dr. Banner,” Maria said nodding to a vacant chair next to Clint. Who looked mightily disconcerted by the prospect of being seated next to a sunny Bruce. “Moving on, shall we? Agenda Item 3. If you could turn to page 41 in your briefing packet.”


End file.
